Before I Go Read online

  And we sit smiling at each other like two kids who have been locked in an FAO Schwarz overnight.

  We make love again after dinner on a queen-size bed directly underneath a startled deer head. Then, as I brush my teeth at the bathroom sink, Jack rifles through our shared toiletry case. “Your contact solution?” I ask, knowingly.

  “Yeah,” he says.

  “In the side pocket of my shoulder bag.”

  He grins and playfully swats my naked bottom as he strolls past me.

  “You’re going to be a great mom.”

  four

  BUY CAULK. I underline the sentence seven times to give it weight on the page. So now when I look at my list, it shouts at me: buy some effing caulk! Calm down, I silently tell it. Life is good. I’ll get the caulk.

  But you have cancer, the paper says.

  Whoa. Mind your own business. I slide the list back into my shoulder bag and pull out my iPhone. I’m sitting in the Tate Student Center, killing the free hour between my Monday classes. I abhor this sixty minutes—it’s too short to go off campus and actually do anything productive.

  I Google flooring companies in Athens and call the first one that pops up. A man who sounds like he’s been smoking longer than I’ve been alive says he can come to our house on Tuesday afternoon to give me a free estimate. I thank him and hang up, and then add the appointment to my calendar app.

  That settled, I return my phone to its pocket and take my flash cards out of my bag. I stare at my black block handwriting on the index card: Matrixial Trans-Subjectivity Theory. The name of the psychoanalyst comes to me quickly: Ettinger. But I blank on the details. The only thing my brain seems to want to recall is the weekend spent with Jack. I’m still all pie-eyed and swoony for my husband, who now also wants to be a dad. And the only obstacle standing in the way to the rest of our lives is a doctor’s appointment.

  I make it through the rest of my classes—nervous energy escaping my body through toe tapping or knee jiggling—and find myself at the end of the day sitting, once again, in the uncomfortable blue chair in the exam room waiting for Dr. Saunders. I swallow down the guilt at not letting Jack come with me for this either.

  “If you come, that means we expect it to be bad,” I reasoned to him in bed last night.

  “That’s ridiculous,” he said. “You’re not even superstitious.”

  “It’s not superstition!” I protested. “It’s like that book—The Secret? We have to put out into the universe what we want to happen. If I go alone, I’m announcing to the world that it’s no big deal. I’m conjuring good results.”

  “What, are you Wiccan now? Seriously, Daisy, I’m coming,” he said.

  I switched tactics. “You can’t miss clinic. If you miss too many days, Ling won’t let you graduate and I’m not going to have that on my shoulders.”

  That, at least, was partly true—Jack had been working on his dual degree for seven years and I’d be damned if I was the reason he didn’t graduate on time. But the real reason I was fighting him so hard was that I hated to be seen as weak—especially by Jack. It’s why I didn’t let anyone go with me to my chemo appointments the first time around and why I preferred to be left alone when puking into the toilet or the plastic bucket beside my bed if I didn’t make it to the bathroom. “Shut the door!” I’d yell out between dry heaves to whoever was on sick-patient duty—Jack or Kayleigh or my mom.

  “I think Ling will understand,” he said.

  I switched back to my original argument, telling him if he did come with me, he was basically saying he wanted the results to be awful.

  “You’re unbelievable,” he said, but I could tell I was wearing him down.

  I shrugged. “It’s how I feel.”

  Now, even though Jack was right and I don’t really believe in The Secret or superstition, I silently repeat the positive thoughts I’ve been harboring.

  Tiny tumor.

  No chemo.

  Tiny tumor.

  No chemo.

  My stomach growls, but before I can reach into my bag for the carrots I brought, the door opens. I look up. Instead of woolly worms, I see the perfectly arched and plucked brows of the nurse who did my PET scan. Her name tag reads LATIVIA. “Follow me,” she says. “Dr. Saunders wants to speak with you in his office.” This is strange because I’ve never been to Dr. Saunders’ office. He must not need the whiteboard in the exam room this time, which can only mean that everything is better than expected. Sick people have to be in exam rooms. Healthy people sit in offices. But if that’s the case, why does it feel like I’m walking through air as thick as mud, as if I’m nine and have been summoned to the principal?

  Lativia stops outside an open office door. The placard on the wall beside it announces:

  Dr. Robin Saunders

  Radiation Oncologist

  I pause because I had never noticed before that Dr. Saunders has a girl’s first name. Then I walk in without the nurse and she closes the door behind me. Dr. Saunders is sitting in a large leather captain’s chair. He doesn’t look at me.

  “Daisy,” he says, taking off his glasses and setting them on the desk.

  “Dr. Saunders,” I reply, sitting down across from him.

  Then his eyes make contact with mine and I see that they’re sad. They’re sad in the way that other people’s eyes are blue or brown or green. Dr. Saunders’ eyes are the color of sad. And that’s how I know what he’s going to say before he even says it.

  “It’s not good.”

  I feel heavy, as if all the clothes I’m wearing have been soaked in water.

  He turns his computer screen toward me. “This is a normal PET scan,” he says. The image on the screen looks like a dark blue neck pillow with a few blurry patches of yellow, green, purple, and orange. It’s like a Rorshach test in color. Dr. Saunders picks up a pencil from his desk. “Picture the human body as a sliced loaf of bread—the PET basically shows us images of each piece. So this one happens to be a cross-section of the lungs.” He uses the pencil as a pointer. “Here’s the spinal cord, the lungs, the breasts.” He hits a few buttons on the keyboard in front of him and the image changes. “We can move up and down through the body section by section. See how the heart is glowing in this one? All the cells in your body typically eat some form of sugar. The hungriest ones eat the most, so the sugar molecules we injected into your body congregate where the hungriest cells are—like the heart, kidneys, and any areas where there are tumors or cancer cells.” He pauses and looks at me to make sure I’m following. I don’t say anything.

  “So like I said, this is a normal PET. The heart is orange and yellow, but there’s not much in the lungs, liver, brain, etcetera.” He manipulates the keys again and another image pops up. “This,” he says, “is your PET scan.”

  I stare at the screen. It looks as though it’s on fire.

  “Daisy, the cancer is everywhere. You’ve got mets in your liver, a few in your lungs. Your bones. And even . . .” He falters for a minute, and this sliver of emotion reminds me that he is delivering this news to me, about me, and not just teaching a class on PET scans. He takes a deep breath, punches some more keys, and the image changes into a clear cross-section of a brain. There is a large glowing orb at the bottom of the picture. “You have a tumor in the back of your brain the size of an orange.”

  My hand reaches up to the back of my skull. I prod the skin beneath my hair, looking for a piece of fruit. I don’t feel anything.

  “I don’t understand,” I say sluggishly. My mouth feels like I’ve been chewing molasses. “It’s only been a year. All my six-month checks were clear.”

  He shrugs and slowly shakes his head. “I’m so, so sorry. Unfortunately this happens sometimes. A patient goes from six-month checkups to annuals and the cancer sneaks in. Yours is particularly aggressive.”

  Aggressive. The word triggers that football cheer and I can’t help but silently chant: Be! Aggressive! You’ve got to be aggressive!

  Brains are funn
y that way. The memories they conjure. The tumors they grow.

  “Daisy, I know this is a lot to take in, but it’s not all bad. You’re asymptomatic, which is a good thing. It means you feel good, and you could continue feeling good.”

  He’s wrong. I don’t feel good.

  “And the tumor is in a good spot. Easily removable. Of course, neurosurgery has its own dangers, so you’ll want to talk to the surgeon and weigh the risks. Then, if you want, we could do radiation, make sure we zap any other cancer cells in the brain. For the rest, we can try chemo, see if anything responds to that. We’ll look into clinical trials—”

  “You’re saying I can be cured, that you can cure”—I wave toward the glowing screen—“all this?”

  He puts the pencil he’s been playing with back on his desk. “I don’t—” He stops. Tries again. “I’m not—” Another break. He sounds like a skipping record. “No.” He scans his desk with his eyes, as if the words he wants to say are written on a piece of paper somewhere and he just needs to find it. “I’m saying we can . . . prolong things.”

  “Prolong things.” I have become a parrot. “For how long?”

  “It’s hard to say,” he says.

  “How long if I don’t do anything?”

  “Hard to say.”

  “There must be statistics.”

  “I don’t work in statistics,” he says. “You’re not a statistic.”

  “Dr. Saunders.” I will him to look me in the eyes. “Tell me how long.”

  He takes a deep breath and puts his glasses back on. “Textbook for stage four is 20 percent survival rate.” He pauses, glances at me, then back down at his desk. “Yours is fairly . . . advanced. If I had to guess . . .” He looks at me again.

  I nod.

  “Four months. Maybe six.”

  I quickly do the math. June. Or August.

  “But listen, people can live for years. It’s not unheard of. And of course there are complementary therapies, diet, meditation—”

  I stand up and he stops talking. I need to leave the room, but my legs suddenly feel hollow, like two straws holding up a potato, and I don’t think they’ll support my weight. I sit back down.

  I stare at Dr. Saunders’ furious eyebrows, while the last two words he spoke run on a loop in my head. Diet. Meditation. Diet. Meditation. Diet. Meditation. I tried that already, I want to say, but I don’t have a voice. So I think it instead. I list out all the things I’ve done the past four years to prevent a moment exactly like this one. Yoga. I hate yoga. Roasting, broiling, steaming, and sautéing every vegetable known to man. I hate vegetables. Breathing exercises. Preparing 1,467 smoothies. Give or take. Drinking 1,467 smoothies. Give or take. Eating blueberries. Eating pomegranates. Drinking green tea. Drinking red wine. Taking fish oil. Taking coenzyme Q10. Avoiding secondhand smoke like the plague.

  And yet, here I am.

  I stand up again on my straw legs. Dr. Saunders stands, too. Reaches out to me.

  “I need to leave,” I say.

  “Daisy, let me call someone. Jack. You shouldn’t be alone right now.”

  I shake my head. Jack. There’s not enough space for him in my brain right now, so I push his name away and try to focus on the information at hand.

  An orange.

  Four months.

  So, so sorry.

  “Daisy,” Dr. Saunders tries again. He’s now standing, too, and he reaches for the phone.

  “Don’t,” I say. I glance at my watch. 5:52. This day is almost over, but there is still so much I need to do. I mentally force steel into my extremities, lift my chin up, and sling my shoulder bag across my chest. Then I meet Dr. Saunders’ gaze and say: “I have to go buy caulk.”

  I STIFLE A giggle all the way to the parking lot, and when I finally slide into the front seat of my car, I let out a loud guffaw. Though I’m looking at my steering wheel, I can only see Dr. Saunders’ face—his bushy brows forming half-moons over his bulging eye sockets, his mouth a perfect O. His countenance was hilariously frozen. Shocked into silence by my declaration.

  He thought I said “cock” instead of “caulk.”

  The word hung in the air, and when I realized the source of his bewildered confusion, I mumbled something about my won’t-shut windows that were really quite beautiful but completely impractical and quickly walked out the door of his office, closing it behind me.

  My shoulders convulse uncontrollably and I feel a rivulet of tears meander their way down my cheeks. This sets off another wave of laughter, because I’m crying but not really crying. Not the way I’m sure most people would cry after getting the news I’ve gotten.

  The cock/caulk conundrum has caused me to be the very definition of hysterical.

  And all I can think is: “I can’t wait to tell Jack.”

  HERE’S SOMETHING THAT I didn’t know until today: The Home Depot offers a gratuitous selection of caulk. I stand in front of the display, staring at the labels.

  All-purpose

  Latex Acrylic

  Clear Door & Window

  Silicone Kitchen & Bath

  White Window & Door

  Supreme Silicone

  If I look at them hard enough, maybe one of the tubes will jump out into my hand. Or reveal itself in a quiet but urgent whisper: Daisy! I’m the one for you! When it becomes apparent that won’t happen, I start to get annoyed. What is the difference in the recipe of each caulk that warrants an entirely new product and label? It’s the same way I feel when I shop for toothpaste. Why are there so many goddamned choices?

  “Can I help you, miss?” A man in an orange apron is staring at me. He has crinkly eyes and a full mustache-and-beard combo. My dad had a mustache-and-beard combo. Before he was hit by a pickup truck at an intersection while riding his Cannondale. The collision caused his head to mop the pavement, which removed his ill-fitting helmet, and then most of his skin and facial hair. I was three when he died. A faint memory of him resurfaces at times—a man is nuzzling my neck, his sour breath familiar, his wiry whiskers scratching my chin.

  I look at this man’s face and wonder if his beard would feel the same against my skin. I take a step toward him. Then I stop myself.

  “I need caulk,” I say.

  “Excuse me?”

  I register the look on his face as one of confusion, and wonder if he, too, thinks I’ve said “cock.”

  Then I realize that I didn’t say caulk at all. I actually said, “I need toothpaste.”

  And I may have added “Dad.” As in: “I need toothpaste, Dad.” A giggle bursts out of my mouth and I clasp my hand over it.

  “Are you OK, ma’am?”

  I consider his question. No. I’m not OK. And I feel compelled to tell him the reason why. To explain my erratic behavior.

  “I’m hungry.”

  WHEN I PULL into the driveway at 8:37, Jack’s car isn’t there. My phone has rung seven times—eight? Ten? Really, I’ve lost track—since I left Dr. Saunders’ office, but I’ve been letting the tune play on, nodding my head to the rhythm of it, as if it’s just another familiar song on the radio. I jam my foot onto the parking brake, step out in the chilled, hollow night and walk around to the trunk, where the bagboy at Kroger helped me stash more groceries than Jack and I could possibly eat in a month.

  There’s a movement in the bushes to my left.

  I look over, trying to make out the shape of a squirrel or possum, but I’m blinded by our porch light and can’t see into the pitch black untouched by its glow.

  Then a hulking form comes into view and I gasp.

  “Daisy.”

  “Holy shit, Sammy.” I put my hand over my rapidly beating heart “You scared the heck out of me.”

  “Sorry,” she says. “I thought you saw me when you pulled up.”

  “What are you doing out here in the dark?” I ask, noticing that her house is shrouded in shadows. Not one light is on.

  “I just got home from my shift,” she says, and now that my eyes have adjusted, I
can see her shiny bike locked up to the railing of her porch steps. “Must have forgotten to leave some lights on. I was in a hurry when I left this morning ’cause mom called and she just talks and talks and talks. Never can get her off the phone. Finally, I was like, ‘Mama! Gotta get to work.’ She still talked for at least ten or more minutes. Luckily, boss was out of the office when I finally got to the station.”

  She steps closer and I take in her uniform—government-issued blue cargo pants, black shoes, gray short-sleeved button-up with a patch on the arm that reads: Athens Clarke County Police Department. A belt cinches at her waist, and she looks like a gray and blue snowman: three round segments stacked atop one another to create a person. Sammy’s a cop. Well, a bike cop. I don’t know if that means she’s a full-fledged police officer, or a junior one—like a Cub Scout who hasn’t graduated to Boy Scouts yet. I’ve never had the heart to ask her. She spends most of her time ticketing drunk college students, and arresting them if they’re underage. I asked her once after she handcuffed someone how she then transported them to the station. She said that she called for a backup patrol car, but all I could picture was her somehow strong-arming these inebriated kids onto her handlebars and joyriding them all the way to their incarceration. The comical image has stuck with me.

  “Having company this weekend?” she asks, eyeing the plastic shopping bags nearly spilling out of my open trunk.

  “Nope.” I scan my purchases and I can’t recall even one thing that I bought—as if I were on Ambien and sleep-shopping. I scramble for an explanation. “I went to the store without a list.” As I say it, it hits me that I have never gone shopping without a piece of paper dictating what I will buy. Ever. This tiny rebellion thrills me.

  “Ah,” she nods. “I make the same mistake when I go to the store hungry, which seems to be every time I go. Doughnuts, fried chicken, those little peanut-butter-stuffed pretzels . . . I just buy everything in sight.” She gestures to her doughy figure and grins. “Obviously.”

  Sammy comments on her weight often, as if she learned as a chubby kid on the playground that survival skill of getting to the punch line before anyone else could. Typically her self-deprecation makes me cringe. I never know what to say—should I laugh along with her? Placate her with denial? I often just change the subject to smooth over any awkwardness I might feel.